I never want or need to read another guide for Substack success EVER AGAIN. This is the best, and I will gladly put my reputation on the line by directing everyone towards it. If ever a post deserved to go mega-mega-viral...I'm not sure it's *definitely* this one (😉😂), but it *most probably* is.
Lol Omg thanks Dan! So much appreciate your willingness to endorse a guide that explicitly guarantees failure if misapplied. That’s exactly the level of non compliance I was aiming for!
So much of this is horribly true, but thankfully, the sort of people who think this way never read anything, so they will not be offended by your words of wisdom.
Actually, correct that. Not thankfully, I want the miserable twats to be offended.
How did you get so many subscribers, Kelly from Wales? Can you give me some? What do I do to get them? Maybe I should write about Substack like you? Maybe I should post a note about why I'm considering leaving Substack? That'll show 'em. I'll threaten them with my absence, and then the subscribers will come flocking.
On second thought, maybe I'll write about how much I like Substack. Never felt more at home. So much better than Facebook, where everyone is a sycophant. Will the word sycophant get me kicked off the platform? AI probably doesn't know what it means. Then again, AI knows everything except how to make art. I'll write a post about AI and how it's taking over Kennedy Era Sitcoms and I'm not writing them anymore. How I don't exist without AI and am an illusion. Then, everyone will hate me and I'll be famous, which is all any of us want anyway. I'll even take posthumous fame.
🤣🤣🤣 This is an eye-opener. Actually it was a closed eye-opener. My eyes were definitely open while reading this, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I'm just confused. But I've had lot of fun and that's what matters most to me. I'm selfish like that. Enough blabbering.
I was reading your article while listening to Levitating by Dua Lipa, and it was a completely different experience. Seriously…it was fucking cool.
Your piece doesn’t read like advice. It reads like stand-up comedy disguised as advice. The rhythm, the punchlines, the little pauses (“You were constipated.”)… with that song in the background it felt like the whole thing had its own soundtrack.
It also got me thinking about why this has 56 likes while the more conventional “grow on Substack” posts get thousands.
I don’t think it’s because they’re better written. I think they’re answering a much bigger demand.
Most writers come to Substack wondering, “How do I get more readers?” So when someone says, “Write daily Notes. Warm up the algorithm. Comment an hour before publishing,” people save it because it promises a roadmap.
Your article is doing something completely different. It’s entertainment. It’s social observation. It’s satire. Instead of saying, “Here’s the formula,” you’re saying, “Look how wonderfully ridiculous we all are.”
Ironically, I think that’s much harder to write well.
Anyway… if anyone else reads your article, do yourself a favor: put on Levitating while you read it. It somehow makes the whole thing even funnier.
Omg thank you Chanti for the lovely words and thoughtful response! I’ve never heard of that song but will listen to it while reading this lol.
Yes! I’m so glad you understood it as entertainment rather than advice - even though I framed it as that. I was wondering if it might come across as harsh, but I can’t be blamed for anything that comes out of me here lol
I dont worry too much about my likes vs others as i have readers like you xxxxxxx
I’ve been too ill to comment, but I’m back now and just want to say this really resonated with me on a deep level that I’ve since processed and grown from.
I'm a newbie, sigh. I thought I should read some how-to posts. This was absofuckinglutely (oops, will I get sent to the naughty corner) hilarious! I am definitely putting this on my Substack, if only to reread it and absorb further......
I never want or need to read another guide for Substack success EVER AGAIN. This is the best, and I will gladly put my reputation on the line by directing everyone towards it. If ever a post deserved to go mega-mega-viral...I'm not sure it's *definitely* this one (😉😂), but it *most probably* is.
Lol Omg thanks Dan! So much appreciate your willingness to endorse a guide that explicitly guarantees failure if misapplied. That’s exactly the level of non compliance I was aiming for!
Appreciate you risking alignment 😘
Serious question: what is everyone’s toilet schedule?
I’m 7:10 am EST.
I wish I was an AM! Jealous
You have a fixed schedule? I've never been able to be so regular and I eat plenty of fibre.
I think just some people have all the luck
Feel better after writing that? 🤣
So much of this is horribly true, but thankfully, the sort of people who think this way never read anything, so they will not be offended by your words of wisdom.
Actually, correct that. Not thankfully, I want the miserable twats to be offended.
Thank you for a good chuckle.
I DO feel better 😂There's nothing like a good old vent to clear out any disillusionment.
I think these people are rare too. But they sure are loud about it.
Thanks Nige!
Now this is the kind of how-to piece we need more of, loved the cutting satire, nicely struck!
My grandchildren should be honored to inherit my restacking sourdough.
They're gonna LOVE that sourdough
They better! 🍞
How did you get so many subscribers, Kelly from Wales? Can you give me some? What do I do to get them? Maybe I should write about Substack like you? Maybe I should post a note about why I'm considering leaving Substack? That'll show 'em. I'll threaten them with my absence, and then the subscribers will come flocking.
On second thought, maybe I'll write about how much I like Substack. Never felt more at home. So much better than Facebook, where everyone is a sycophant. Will the word sycophant get me kicked off the platform? AI probably doesn't know what it means. Then again, AI knows everything except how to make art. I'll write a post about AI and how it's taking over Kennedy Era Sitcoms and I'm not writing them anymore. How I don't exist without AI and am an illusion. Then, everyone will hate me and I'll be famous, which is all any of us want anyway. I'll even take posthumous fame.
So, how do I get more subscribers?
Seth, follow this guide to completion and all will be revealed, my friend 😘 Failing that, I think you can buy subs off of Facebook with AI
Nothing has ever made me more proud of being Welsh than reading this!
Diolch cariad
Hwyl! 🥰
Omg, so glad to see another Welshy here! Diolch yn fawr xx
This awesome and I am going to steal every bit of this advice!!
It'll get you far. Promise
🤣🤣🤣 This is an eye-opener. Actually it was a closed eye-opener. My eyes were definitely open while reading this, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I'm just confused. But I've had lot of fun and that's what matters most to me. I'm selfish like that. Enough blabbering.
Brilliant, just brilliant. 👏 👏 👏
Be selfish and have fun needs to be on a t-shirt. You make them, I'll buy xx
Absolutely love it. I've missed your humour, effortless or not. You made me envious of your wit. Please never stop.
Aww so glad to have you back and reading! I’ll never stop now you’re back lol
Kelly,
I was reading your article while listening to Levitating by Dua Lipa, and it was a completely different experience. Seriously…it was fucking cool.
Your piece doesn’t read like advice. It reads like stand-up comedy disguised as advice. The rhythm, the punchlines, the little pauses (“You were constipated.”)… with that song in the background it felt like the whole thing had its own soundtrack.
It also got me thinking about why this has 56 likes while the more conventional “grow on Substack” posts get thousands.
I don’t think it’s because they’re better written. I think they’re answering a much bigger demand.
Most writers come to Substack wondering, “How do I get more readers?” So when someone says, “Write daily Notes. Warm up the algorithm. Comment an hour before publishing,” people save it because it promises a roadmap.
Your article is doing something completely different. It’s entertainment. It’s social observation. It’s satire. Instead of saying, “Here’s the formula,” you’re saying, “Look how wonderfully ridiculous we all are.”
Ironically, I think that’s much harder to write well.
Anyway… if anyone else reads your article, do yourself a favor: put on Levitating while you read it. It somehow makes the whole thing even funnier.
Omg thank you Chanti for the lovely words and thoughtful response! I’ve never heard of that song but will listen to it while reading this lol.
Yes! I’m so glad you understood it as entertainment rather than advice - even though I framed it as that. I was wondering if it might come across as harsh, but I can’t be blamed for anything that comes out of me here lol
I dont worry too much about my likes vs others as i have readers like you xxxxxxx
Wait, what? I thought the definitive guide to making it on Substack was posting three notes a day??? 😮
Yes, that, plus this guide and we're off to 10k subs in a month!
I’ve been too ill to comment, but I’m back now and just want to say this really resonated with me on a deep level that I’ve since processed and grown from.
Takeaway: we’re all just out here doing our best.
😉
oh, this is pure evil!
The sarcastic juices of this fruit have flooded my mouth, I've lost taste to anything else how-to-Substack related!
Thank you!
😂😂 Evil writing is delicious. Thank you for seeing me 😂
Thank you for writing!
I'm a newbie, sigh. I thought I should read some how-to posts. This was absofuckinglutely (oops, will I get sent to the naughty corner) hilarious! I am definitely putting this on my Substack, if only to reread it and absorb further......
This guide will have you running the place in no time, Caz! Good luck and be yourself xx
Reading this Kelly has made my day… kudos to you!